Ain't no guilt like Mommy-guilt

Warning: this will not be your typical smarmy Mother's Day post. If you're looking for carnations and breakfast in bed, look elsewhere.

I didn't go to church today. Gabriel's fever was the reason I gave, but deep down in my heart I was glad. Today is Mother's Day. I didn't want to go to church.

At church they will make everyone stand up who is a mother. Then the count begins. "Who has more than five? Six? Seven?" etc. At first in groups, the women sit back down as their number is called, and then one by one they begin to fall. I am the only one still standing as the numbers climb to the double-digits. And then I win a prize.

I'm sure I cannot be the only one in existence who thinks this process is fatally flawed. .

Mother's Day is designated to honor mothers. And obviously only the most hardened cretin would say such a scheme is stupid. So I will stop just shy of being a hardened cretin and say instead that I think the day is somewhat...pointless.

It is pointless because it is unconscionable to laud someone simply because she can reproduce. I am not the first nor will I be the last to say such a thing. People whose mothers were abyssmally deficient in their mothering capabilities have voiced this opinion for years, as well as cynical types who refuse to line the pockets of card and flower companies who prey on the emotions of the general populace.

My mother was not abyssmally deficient. On the contrary, she made mothering look entirely too easy and set the bar at a height I can never hope to attain. And so I should honor her every day of my life, and hope that I do (how am I doing, Mom? I know you're reading).

I also have nothing against cards and flowers. Heaven forbid! I consider myself grand vizier in the art of card-selecting and many is the hour I have spent reading every. single. card. in the aisle in an effort to capture the perfect picture + sentiment for the occasion.

The reason I state that it is pointless is that, as a mother, no amount of cards and flowers and accolades at church or beyond will tell me what I most want to know. No person's words or reassurances can answer my heart's cry.

Am I doing a good job?

Somebody, anybody...please! Tell me if I'm doing all right! But more importantly, tell me if I'm screwing up royally!

If you are a mother, I believe I speak for you too. We are desperate to know the truth. But there is no one who can tell us.

The people at church cannot tell us. They see us lined up in a row on a Sunday morning, looking good (where else do you try to look better than at church? "Sunday best" doesn't only refer to clothing, I wager), and are generous enough to assume that we've pretty much got it all together, all the time. Have a carnation! Have a whole bouquet!

Our husbands cannot tell us the answer. If we are blessed with kind and gentle men, they extend to us as much grace, and more, than we deserve. They boost our spirits when we are down. They cheer us on. If we have hypercritical, miserly men in our lives, they tear us down and add to our grief daily. Neither one is an accurate assessment.

Even our children, those reasons we are who we are on Mother's Day, cannot tell us. Sure, they may love us, but what do they know? You're the best mom ever! their little hand-drawn cards may say. But it's not like they had a trial run with fifty others and chose us in the end, is it? And a child will love you for letting him have his way, and hate you for saying "no," which pretty much disqualifies him as a judge of success-in-parenting.

So what's the yardstick for deciding a mom is successful as a mom? Quantity of children? I hope I already shot that assumption to hell. A well-put-together facade? Hardly. What about the success of her children? Shouldn't that be a pretty good marker?

Maybe it should be...but there are countless examples of children who come out of hideous, abusive situations in childhood and go on to great success in spite of it all (should their parents be exalted?), and those children who come out of solid, loving homes and yet manage to choose every evil that comes their way (should their parents be vilified?).

How about worry, and guilt, and fear? If we feel enough of these every day, doesn't that mean we are good moms?

Isn't that pretty much the most absurd thing ever written?

Funny how tenaciously we can believe something as absurd as that, and often without even realizing it.

No, that triple-threat is not a yardstick either, although Satan would assure us that it is. Anything to keep us from the throne-room of God, where we are instructed to drop all such baggage off, daily.

Am I doing a good job?

Is there ANYONE who can tell me that I don't completely and utterly SUCK at this parenting thing??

**crickets chirping**

There is no other job on earth besides parenthood where you have no promotions, no pay raises, and no yearly assessments from your supervisors to let you know your status. Never have you more desperately longed for someone to examine your work and give you a review, and never has such a critique been less available.

One thing I do know, and that's the fact that the The Accuser, along with my own condemning heart, will also never give me a correct answer. I suspect the truth lies somewhere between what they are saying, and what the flower-strewn Hallmark ads proclaim. Can I accept that? Can I find hope and joy and happiness there, in that middle ground where I sweat and toil and cry and doubt?

Can we, as mothers, learn to have joy in the journey, when there is no dingdingding! when we get it right, nor a loud and angry buzzzz! when we misstep? Can we stop believing our own press, whether good or bad, and instead bind on our foreheads this unequivocable truth:

God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.*

Can we stop craving reassurance from the world and go to the only One who holds the true measure in His hand? The accurate scales? The non-distorted mirror?

Sometimes the guilt threatens to eat me alive. The opportunities for it bloom over my days like mushroom clouds, and the fallout is crippling and toxic. Neither carnations nor applause can stop the bombing.

I need Jesus, plain and simple. The Bible calls Him a strong tower, a very present help in time of need. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say He is also a fallout shelter, a hazmat suit, and a decontamination chamber. This mother's day, and every day, I'm trying to remember to take refuge in Him.

*1 Sam 16:7

Comments

[Jaena]

Well said, Jenni. Thanks for this.

[Headless Mom]

Oh Jenni. I needed this today. I just posted last night about how I feel like a failure in every area of my life. I do know that God is my refuge. But sometimes His mirror is so dim to me.

Bless you on this Mother's Day and every day. Your words helped one mom today, and I hope many more.

[Alesha]

Good post, Jenni! Good, good, good! :-)

Alesha

[Diane]

Remember hindsight is 20/20 and we will know the fruits of our labor later than sooner. This is how I feel 99.9% of the time. Even as I sit here with my youngest baby, I worry.

[d]

Very thoughtful and well said, thanks.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Oh, wow, this is such a cool post!

And someone should really urge your church to stop doing that thing on Mother's Day - as if the woman with the most kids wins! That's truly misguided and awful. The Lord gives us how many children he thinks we need, not how many we can handle. They are here to teach us, to refine us.

So maybe our question shouldn't be, "Am I doing a good job?" Instead we should be asking every day, "Am I learning? Am I growing in love?"

[aimee]

The Lord is SO good and SO funny! I just wrote this long post on my blog that is almost exactly what you wrote! Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only one who struggles with this!

[Faerylandmom]

Thanks a lot...you just blew all my chances for flowers today! (pouting profusely)

Kidding.

Your post actually helped me a lot today...what you wrote is what I feel. Thank you. :-)

[Emily]

This gave me goosebumps! It's EXACTLY what I needed to read today, and I hope a thousand million other mothers read it and are as blessed as I am. Thank you!

[Anne]

I just had this conversation yesterday with my family. Perfectly put.

[~Tammy~]

I just want to say "Amen" (which means 'so be it')

[Marisa]

I recently read this in a book called "It's Okay to Take a Nap: Other Reassuring Truths for Mothers Everywhere" by Debra Sansing Woods:
"The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one," says Jill Churchill in "Grime and Punishment."

[Minnesotamom]

Our church didn't do the patronizing "Mothers please stand" thing. They had vases of roses for handing out to mothers and those who would be mothers if family members decided to take. The sermon was not about mothers and the truth was not set aside for a day to talk about "how much mom means to me." While honoring one's father and mother is important, it really comes back to what you stated here. Thanks for posting!

[Brandi]

Perfect words, as always. I love how I can read you blog and say "YES! THAT'S what I was trying to say." Happy Day to You! :-)
(Hope your little one is feeling better soon.)

[kris]

Can I get an Amen? Well said Mamma.

[Linda Sue]

Insightful and strong message here lady. We didn't go to church today (rare for us - we love to go to church). I have no children, never could and only occasionally does it overwhelm me with sadness - unfortunately this particular "holiday" triggers it since my Mom died. Your introspection should lead you to the conclusion - in brokenness He is strong and love trumps all. Bless you and thank you.

[phylly3]

Reading your blog gives me so much insight and provokes my thoughts. You are doing fine and it is ok to question your performance every day. How do I know? My children are long grown, yet, we still need each other. Not as often but sometimes just as urgently. I try to be there for them when they do, but still question if I am as good a mother as I should be. The difference is that my guidance is now from a phone, the internet and the occasional visit. My advice is heard only when requested. What is not different is that I still love them till it hurts. I believe that God uses parents as a physical manifestation of His unending love and unselfish sacrifice for all His children. A mother's heart cannot be divided. It's capacity can only multiply each time God loans us a child.

[Ginger]

Thank you, Jenni. I've never posted before, but I read your blog daily. This post was so timely for me as I am dealing with some struggles in my life right now. The only thing that seems to be helping is prayer, prayer, and more prayer. Thanks for helping me focus again on God's saving power and protection.

[jennielynn]

You know, my mother and I used to have huge fights from the time I was nine until I was thirteen. She would respong to my sobbed recriminations with this:

"God does not make mistakes. He knew who you were and He knew who I was and He gave you to me. He wants nothing less than the best for you, and I was who He chose. I may not be doing a good job, but I am doing the best I can, and that will simply have to be enough."

I hear that in my head when I am consumed by fear, guilt and dread. The day she told my daughter that, about me, I cried.

Are you doing the best you can? Then that is enough. Besides, if you weren't doing a bang up job, do you really think He's keep sending them? ;)

[Mimi]

I think if the Savior were to come and tuck you into bed at night, He would whisper softly that He loves you and that you are doing great. I can't imagine Him criticizing me or putting me down. When I start to have those feelings I think of His arms wrapped tightly around me. He encourages, uplifts and praises us even as we want so much to praise Him. I do not worry about my mothering anymore. I take it one day at a time and I pray for patience and understanding and I recieve it (most of the time). You are so right that we cannot do this job alone. It isn't through our own strength that we mother well, but we can be confident if our hearts are knit with Gods.

[jen]

So very true. Thank you for this reminder!

[Chaos-Jamie]

Amen sister!

[Marla Taviano]

Brilliant again, girl. My favorite line?

"I suspect the truth lies somewhere between what they are saying, and what the flower-strewn Hallmark ads proclaim."

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me!!

[julie beth]

Thanks, Jenni. Motherhood is the job we MOST want to succeed in, and whose ramifications are MOST important - and yet the job where we are most cast in faith to look to Christ to bless our humble, weak efforts. This was a blessing, sister.

[Mrs. Troop]

Wonderful post! I felt very much the same yesterday. As if I needed to shout out "I MAKE A LOT OF HORRIBLE MISTAKES AT THIS EVERY DAY."
I keep thinking of God's grace - nothing we do can make Him love us more. And nothing we do (or don't do) can make Him love us less.
Someone in church yesterday said something about doing your best and having peace in that as a mother.
I'm just wondering. If we are honest with ourselves, do we always DO our best? I certainly don't. Sometimes I choose selfishness instead of servanthood. And I don't see a point where my "best", however short that may fall of the ideal, will give me peace.
What gives me peace is God's grace.
I need it.
Thank you for your honestly. And for being real. It blesses me!

[Adrienne]

Well, this was a refreshingly different Mother's Day post. Honest, relevant, and I do share many of the emotions and self-recriminations you described.

"Sometimes the guilt threatens to eat me alive. The opportunities for it bloom over my days like mushroom clouds, and the fallout is crippling and toxic. Neither carnations nor applause can stop the bombing." That's some powerful stuff, Jenni!

But I will say that I don't think Mother's Day is completely pointless. The point, it seems, is to show appreciation and gratitude in recognition for the love and effort, and not to provide a review of Mom's job performance. Even if we don't get a direct answer to the question, "HOW THE HECK AM I DOING?", it's still a worthwhile thing for children to say and show "thanks" and "I love you" to Mom. Sadly, I know a few moms who only hear that once a year, on Mother's Day.

Adrienne

[Jenni]

Adrienne, I agree that it is never, ever pointless to say "thanks" and "I love you". I think it is sad that there are mothers who only hear it once a year. But I have to wonder...does it do any good, in that case? Do the mothers who only hear it once a year, on Mother's Day, feel truly appreciated and loved? Just honestly curious about that one...

Mrs. Troop, you vocalized exactly what I was saying to my husband last night. The "as long as you do your best" line doesn't give me reassurance, because I DON'T choose to do my best every. single. day! Is it even humanly possible? I'm not sure...

My Beloved said "we are being CONformed to His image...not TRANSformed. It is a process."

That struck me as very wise, and hopeful. NO matter what, He is at work. He is faithful when we are faithless, and He will complete what He began in us. Praise Him!

[Sarah the secret blower]

We are weak, I rest in my weakness and His strength, so I have stopped caring what others expect or "try" to put upon me, and look to Him for whether or not I need to be doing, or seeing something differently...I am seeing many things I should do and see differently, and again, in my weakness I look to Him for His strength...

I was on nursery duty at church yesterday, so with the three little friends, we made storms on top of the fort...an inflatable pool was our roof and little air balls were our rain and hail...they would thunder and lightning in the house and I would storm outside, blow their roof away and then let the hail and rain fall down inside upon them...they loved it of course...

Who makes the "real, outside storms" I asked, they said, in their 3 yr. old wisdom, God does...Is it scary sometimes? Yes! Is the rain good for the plants and trees and all growing things? Yes! And then after the storm, the sun comes out and feeds the plants to grow big and strong...

How amazing it all is....

How strong and mighty He is...and like a good cupcake with icing on the top, LOVING!

He is strong, I am weak...Hallelujah!!!

[Michelle]

Our pastor spoke on the topic of women holding themselves to an impossible standard......and reminded us all that "a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I have to keep reminding myself that it's not about my accomplishments or my cooking and cleaning, or how long I can control the frustration in my voice or how physically good I can look, but it's about bending my will to my Saviour's....all the rest will fall into place. Well, so I'm told.....aren't we all just a work in progress!?!?!

[Daisy Girl]

Amen sister!

[Joanne]

Amen. (There's nothing else I can add.)

[Chris]

Jenni. Who knew that you would have such access to my heart? You captured the struggle that, especially,in the past couple of weeks, has plagued me.

Nothing has ever made me feel as inept as mothering!

And nothing has driven me further to my knees in desparate need of Him.

And truly, that has been my most favorite thing about being a Mom: it's grown my role as His child.

Chris in Canada

[Bubba's Sis]

Jenni, this is absolutely beautiful. You spoke directly to my heart - it is as if you wrote this just for ME! Thank you. I hope you had a blessed Mother's Day - and 365 blessed days until the next one!

[Kimmie]

Jenni;

I'd have to say that my heart goes out to all the women in your church who have suffered from infertility or secondary infertility, as I have for the past 15 years. Yikes, I'd be bawling.

Yes, it is nice to honor mother's...but perhaps also embracing those around us who may be deeply hurting. Infertility is such a painful journey, full of loneliness and thoughtless comments from people who are supposed to love you (or at least like you.)
Next year look around at the faces who may be missing at that service ...and then remember the following week to give them a BIG hug, I bet they could use a kind word or a friend. You can only hold back the tears for so long, sooner or later you leak.

Hope your little one is feeling better...Hope you enjoyed the rest of your celebration.

Kimmie
mama to 6
one homemade and 5 adopted

[Tina Ruddell]

Thank you for such an amazingly insightful post!

[LAH]

Amen! I HATE the hoopla around Mother's Day. Our pastor usually has a sermon centered around a mother's grave responsibility to raise her children up in the Lord. I know this! I am eaten up with guilt and insecurity over my inadequacy and it doesn't help to hear it from the pulpit. I usually try to work in the nursery on Mother's Day, or skip church and do something relaxing.

[shel]

That's the best Mother's Day post I've read, EVER. Thanks Jenni, for another brilliant and honest post.

[Leah]

I really appreciate your thoughts and find encouragement in the your reminder of my need for Jesus. I struggle with the knowledge that I do (and will continue to) make mistakes that harm my children. I cling to the truth that God loves me as I am, even if I am doing a rotten job of being a mother.

[Kate]

Awesome post, Jenni.

I have to admit, though, that I really enjoyed being spoiled by my family for the day. To get a day off from most of the responsibilities and to be appreciated in a tangible way by my kids was really nice.

[Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity]

Thanks for speaking the words that escaped me Sunday. My issue is, lots of people tell me that I do a good job, but I don't feel like I do because ONE person, a member of my immediate family, no less, told me that I was selfish and never put my kids first. And so for the past 3 weeks, I've been over analyzing EVERYTHING I do, trying to figure out if I am selfish or real. So mother's day sucked butt.

But from what I can tell, you're doing an awesome job... the job that you've been called to do and as long as you're attempting to use your gifts to glorify Him? What else can you do?

[Heth]

Fantastic post Jenni. Those are the very thoughts I have been having and you captured it so well.

[Jenny]

The longing of every heart - to know that your efforts matter, that they will not return void. Thank God, the words He speak do not. They are the balm to our aching, yearning hearts.

Grace is the currency of our daily lives as Christ followers. Thanks for the most effective reminder.

[HeatherHH]

I followed the link from Amy's Humble Musings and have read your blog a time or two. I'm in my mid-20s with 4 children under 7, and #5 on the way. I can certainly see the more children equals better mother thing coming up in people's minds in the future, at least those who don't question our sanity first.

Your post was a good reminder of where we should seek our affirmation. My husband and I do honor our mothers on Mother's Day, because it's of importance to them. One year, to my parents, I sent them a list of memories I had in poem-type format (focusing on the positives), and other times it's a home-baked treat. But, for me and my husband, nothing is really done on our respective days. We find the days relatively meaningless.

[kellybelly]

Thank you very much for writing this! I am smiling from ear to ear because you explained exactly how I feel. Keep up the great work. Wishing you many blessings.

[Amy]

I cannot even begin to say why I haven't read this before just now. This is just lovely. So dead on and lovely. You know who you serve.
Thank you Jenni. Potty mouth aside, you're alright. ;)

[Meliss]

The best words I've ever read on the topic!

[Andrea]

wow, this is so good. well said and I loved it.

[Mona]

I ran across your article by accident, and it made my day! I'm a young, single, professional with over half a lifetime of experience of working with children of all ages who accepted guardianship of a sophomore in high school seven months ago. Putting your knowledge into practice 24/7 is so much harder than leaving it behind at the end of the work day! Our first couple of months together were the honeymoon period, then I grieved my lost independence for the next few months, and now I find myself constantly wondering if I'm doing a good enough job in being a positive influence in this young girl's life. While I'm not technically her mother, I feel like my role is to offer her a taste of what her own mother could not; spiritually, emotionally, academically. I really appreciated your honest reflection of a mother's struggles . . . it was just what I needed to hear this morning before I beat myself up too hard over my shortcomings!