Answers, Random edition

Here are some of the questions that I either forgot to include in the other posts, or that refused to be pigeonholed as one thing or the other, so you could also call this "Answers, the flotsam and jetsam edition" if you wanted to. But you don't have to. It's a free country.

I think.

I suppose it depends on who you talk to.

At any rate, Marisa asked "I do wonder if you and your husband knew when you got married that you wanted this many kids?"

Answer: Did we know that we wanted a whole tribe, a fleet, a pride, a clan, a gaggle, a mob, a horde, a throng, a veritable legion of children?

No.

But we didn't know much of anything when we got married, so that's not very telling, in and of itself.

Heather asked What would you do if your doctor said you had to stop having children for health reasons?

Answer: I would get a second opinion.

she also asked "Why do you sometimes have what people consider to be bad language in your posts?"

Answer (sort of, but not really): Could you define "people" and "bad language"?

Sarah asked " how do you handle the hormones/babyblues after birth?"

Answer: I have never suffered from severe PPD, but the hormonal fluctuations after childbirth can be daunting, for sure. I read scripture and remind myself that it will pass in time. I also remind myself that satan is a big fat dummy head and that he is compounding the basic problem of chemical flux by whispering his filthy lies into my ear, and that makes me mad and want to kick his ass (spiritually speaking, of course), which feels better than being just plain miserable.

Rebecca asked about bathtime, and also about how we store our toothbrushes and bathroom cups.

Answer: Our toothbrushes are stored in holders that keep them from undue fraternization, although I can't say with any certainty that they don't throw wild parties late at night when we are all sleeping, swapping bacteria til the dawn's early light. I try not to think about it. We also have one bathroom cup. I know, gross. The little ones use it because they don't know any better. The big kids get drinks in the kitchen from their own cups. I use my hand. So far we are all still alive.

Stephanie asked  "do you think you'll have any more kidlets?

Answer: This is a tricky question to ask a woman who is still newly post-partum. The "correct" answer, according to our philosophy of family planning, is "Only the Lord knows; it's in His hands and we trust Him unflaggingly" but in the back of my mind are the howling wolves of fear and doubt that threaten to devour me and pick their teeth with the splintered shards of my convictions.  

Julie Beth wanted to know "what people, authors, etc, have influenced your views of family, homeschooling, parenting, etc.?"

Answer: The Way Home by Mary Pride was the first book I ever read that opened my eyes to just how much falsehood I had swallowed unquestioningly throughout my life, and All The Way Home was the second. The Hidden Art of Homemaking by Edith Schaeffer is a beautiful book that encouraged me to see the beauty in the everyday (hm. need to read that one again.), and For The Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay kinda sorta defined our homeschooling philosophy. How to Raise a Healthy Child In Spite of Your Doctor by Robert S. Mendelsohn was instrumental in "gelling" my attitude towards modern medicine, gave me confidence to recognize a true emergency from a scare tactic, and, as an unforeseen benefit, has saved us thousands of dollars over the years. That's a quick sampling, drawn from my extremely (and hopefully temporary) synapse-depleted brain.

Johanna asked "what was the most healing thing for you in the process of recovering from your [miscarriages]?"

Answer: I've said before that loss becomes a part of you. I don't say that flippantly or romantically. Anyone who has been through it knows just how it can blindside you, make you question everything you ever believed, and forever change your perspective on life. It all feels so negative when you're in the midst, but looking back...I'm grateful for the changed perspective. I'm awed by how much I've changed over the past year and a half. I truly didn't think there was anything left that the Lord could do with me (not as in "I'm perfect" but as in "I'm beyond hope"). He proved this was not the case.

So the obvious answer is Him. His presence was the most healing thing. Finding out that there was more to myself than I had previously believed. I learned how to give up on bitterness, strangely enough. Here I was, blessed beyond measure and yet holding onto bitterness, and along come horrible events and I let go of it. Plumbing the depths of my own trust didn't leave any room for that baggage. Is God good, or not? Is God wise, or not? Am I going to serve God, or Baal? I had to listen to Elijah and finally stop trying to keep a foot in both camps. I wrote more poetry in 2007 than ever before in my life, which was a very therapeutic outlet that I hadn't explored previously.

The love of a particular man was greatly healing to me as well. Twenty years earlier when he said "for better or for worse" to me, he meant it. Loss is a make-or-break time for couples, and never for a moment did he cause me to doubt which way this scene was going to pan out.

The comfort of those who had walked this way before was such a blessing as well. How amazing is the fellowship of those who can come alongside and shed tears with you because they have also been where you are and know the pain of it? It's amazing, I tell you true. I was overwhelmed by the sweetness of the people I knew--some just acquaintances--who took the time to tell me I'm sorry. I know how it feels.

And Toby Mac's Portable Sounds has my undying love and affection for possessing the ability to make me feel alive again when I was sure I was mostly dead. It's the soundtrack to the most difficult time of my life thus far, and it rocks.

How about you, my friends? What, besides the grace of God, has helped you get through the valley of the shadow of death intact?

Comments

[darci]

So many great answers :) I love the first question the most and then the one in response to dealing with loss.

[Joy]

We had a intense worship retreat planned for 3 days after we lost our first pregnancy. I wasn't sure I wanted to go but it ended up being the best way to start the healing process for me. Also, our home has been given three terrific boys since then. That has also helped to fill my arms and heart. I really feel for couples who struggle with continual miscarriages and never get to experience a the joy of kids in their home. I really need to be more thankful vs. being stress out at three boys ages five and under. :)
Joy

[Angie]

Wow. I do love reading your blog. Having just walked through the very dark shadow of cancer, I would have to say my family is what helped me get through intact. My small children who filled my days with laughter, my mother and father who tirelessly cared for us, my church family who surrounded us, and my husband--his heart for God, his provision, his optimism, his loyalty, his faithfulness, his strength, his sacrifice, his quiet resolve and ruthless trust carrying me when I couldn't walk on my own. He is all I could have ever asked for in a husband, and so much more than I deserve. I love him. There is no more to say.

[suburbancorrespondent]

My children, of course. I'll never forget coming home from an unplanned (of course) D&C and crawling into bed and nursing my one-year-old. Thank goodness I hadn't weaned her yet!

[Karen]

I love Dr. Mendelssohn's book (did I spell that right? Probably not.). And what bad language?

[Mrs. Troop]

The most amazing thing to me was the comfort of so many women who had traveled that road - unbeknownst to me. It's not something you walk up and tell someone, but so many women have lost a baby. It made me feel like life would go on - even though at the time I didn't think I could. Music helped, too. That time in my life has a soundtrack, as well. Very healing.
Thanks for sharing all of your experience with us! It's tremendously encouraging.

[Mama Midwife]

What bad language? You are just speaking like a normal human being - who just so happens to like using plain english everyone can understand to emphasize your wonderful writing. If you consistently used words like "vexed" and "cavil" or "cloy" no one who have a damned idea what you were talking about. :)

[Headless Mom]

Can't wait to get some of those books!

[Johanna]

Thanks for answering that question about healing after miscarriages. I feel farther down the road of healing every time another woman who has walked my same road shares part of what helped her. My second was so much harder than my first - I think because I wasn't even trying to conceive when I had my first, but the second one we lost had been longed for and wanted long before it came! Many verses in the Bible took on new meaning for me in that time of loss and I took great comfort from reading them over an over. After the second, the best thing in the world was snuggling my two boys. They are like a healing balm!

[MelanieS]

I agree that a particular man (not the same as yours though, I promise!) definitely helped me through our loss. What you said is exactly what I experienced in my marriage through that time. We saw so clearly how Satan could use that time to absolutely shred a marriage, but we found such comfort in weathering the storm together, through God's grace and mercy. And OH the friends and even acquaintances, 80 year old women at church, who shared their stories with us, who still long for their children, but who had not only been healed by the Great Physician, but who assured us that walking through that WITH Him was one of the greatest blessings of their lives. I still long for my baby girl, and can't wait to meet her in glory, but I would not trade that time of total dependence on Him for anything.

[phylly3]

Jenni, Thank you for your posts. Loss, like joy does define us. In 2005, 9 days before Christmas, I lost my husband of 36 years, after a horrible 17 month illness. He was my life's partner. We married at 18 & 19 and we loved each other well until the end. I am just now emerging from the fog. Oh, I have functioned for our children and grandchildren, but this world is a cruel place for me, because I always functioned as a twosome. My salvation is my Saviour. My husband was and now literally is a child of God. This place I live will never be my home again, even though all my memories inhabit every nook and cranny. I am grateful for them all. For now I will love my family and friends with all my heart, but I yearn for the day I stand before my Father in heaven and see my darling again.

[Maggie]

I *love* your writing!

And we read the same books, it seems.

For me, it was knowing the truth in 'though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.' I suppose that *is* grace, though, hmm?

[gretchen from lifenut]

You and my Sammy could have quite a Toby Mac airband. He goes to bed listening to Portable Sounds. He saw TM in concert last February. Highlight of his seven years, so far.

I am wracking my brain trying to think of bad language on your blog. Snail penis, maybe? Hmmm.

Beside the grace of God? Family, music, friends, writing...I hate the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Wish it would flood already, or be swallowed whole in an earthquake.

[Kelly @ Love Well]

About four years ago, my marriage burned the ground while I was watching my nails dry. Thus, I entered the crucible.

Complicating things, no one knew what was going on. We had just moved to a new area where we knew no one (blessing in disguise, that), and due to the nature of everything, very few people were enlightened to the situation.

So I'd have to say -- God and God alone. I am so thankful for the few family members who knew and prayed and supported, and I read quite a few books and listened to some God-filled music that helped tremendously.

But God's grace was the only thing that carried me from painful minute to painful minute.

[Marla Taviano]

I'd imagine the "people" are frowning at your reference to Satan's "ass."

But it made this "person" grin. :) (me, who mostly only says "bottom")

[jennielynn]

My family is walking through that valley as we speak and so far it is one foot in front of the other, with God lifting us after we stumble.

[Minnesotamom]

God is pretty much it for me. I mean, He has used other means--sermons and music and friends and family, but I know it is Him speaking through them.

I don't know if they're not considered cuss words in the south, but maybe Heather comes from a similar background as me. A** and he** and dam* are all considered bad words in my upbringing. That might be what she was referring to. It can come across a little coarsely in otherwise-beautiful posts, and I think you're definitely eloquent enough to find a way around it.

Not trying to be mean, just hoping to help answer your question.

[crystal]

What helped me walk through the valley? HOnestly? Zoloft. That and lots of prayer has got me through my PPD. Thinking back to the worst time of the depression is absoultely terrifying.

[mamere94]

I've never read the Doctor's book, but the preview information on amazon sounds like it matches my own view. Kudos to my mom rearing me in the same tradition! "If it wasn't bleeding, don't get a bandaid. If you don't feel well, drink some water and check back with me later. If it's not broken or separated from your body, it's probably just fine." ok, maybe not to quite that extreme, but going to the doctor was practically unheard of in my family when I was growing up, and even still is a rare occasion except for an annual checkup.

By the way, my household adores Portable Sounds. It's just impossible to listen to that and be in a bad mood!

I've never lost a baby, but I did lose my son's father a few years ago. It was a horrible time, and his mother just completely fell apart, which left me to deal with everything. It was definitely rough, and as you say, it had to be God that got me through it. There's just no other way. I honestly do not know how non-believers can handle rough times. The comfort and peace He brings just cannot be attained from any other source!

[laurazim]

.........Satan is a big fat dummy head..........hehehe...

Seriously, when Reepicheep was two weeks old (and me with a 20-month-old Pickle and a nearly three-year-old Frog to boot), my dad collapsed and was diagnosed with necrotic pneumonia. 10 days later (10 days before Christmas), he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He died the following July. He had been my main support system (besides my Darling, of course, and my Lord), so I definitely dealt with undiagnosed PPD.

What got me through? Learning, through my sister and some very dear friends (one of whom now is my confessor, Fr. E.), about the grace of God and His goodness and love for me, a miserable sinner. Seeing my dad, who had never said more than, "Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts..." in reference to any faith turn to God and ask us to pray with him and over him. Finally being so broken in spirit that I had no one but Jesus to cling to. Knowing that my precious daughter needed to know the truth--that Papa was seeing Jesus, would go with Him, and that God promises us that we will know him in heaven.

And the Requiem by John Rutter. Amazing piece of choral music. I highly recommend it, especially if you can find the one actually conducted by Rutter (hard to find anymore...but worth it).

[Traci]

I've been lurking for quite a while. I think I feel compelled to answer your question though. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. The thing that helped the most was hearing from my ob-gyn that she had had two miscarriages before she had her first baby. That and my hubby and I went out of town for a few days. It really was healing.