Re-runs

Oh friends, I am so tired. Yet I feel the need to be hospitable to you, my dear guests to my bloggy corner of the world, and I want to offer you something. I rummage through my thought-pantry and offer you this, with the humblest of apologies, re-heated and served on the finest chinet...if it tastes familiar, you may have ingested it about a year and a half ago...hopefully it isn't too moldy...

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I've been staring at old pictures of myself lately, trying to figure out where that girl went...that girl who is me and yet if I met her today I would marvel at what different people we are. What parts of her do I miss? What parts am I glad to leave behind?

I see her at her wedding with her beloved's arms wrapped around her and she looks completely blissful, but I know that deep inside her there is a vicious green serpent of possessiveness and insecurity that wreaked no small bit of havoc with their relationship until it was slaughtered a couple of years thereafter. But I envy the near-hysterical excitement and promise of the future that I see in her eyes (and his) as they start out.

I see her with a baby in her arms and she looks like the picture of motherhood, but I know that there are many tears yet to be shed over her inabilities to cope and many days of guilt that will leave an indelible mark upon her soul. But I envy the chance she has to start fresh, and I wish so much that I could help her understand that the things that seem monumentally important to her are so very...very...not.

I see her standing with her growing family, and with friends and parents and siblings, and she looks silly, or serene, or preoccupied, and I know her struggles and her victories and her every dream and wish and hope...so many still unrealized...and I think, after 38 years, I understand that many of them always will be.

Are we more like trees than we think, with layers and layers of our old selves inside of us, each one building upon the last with an ever-thickening bark wrapping its way around us with every passing year? Sometimes I think I feel the knocking of a past incarnation wanting to come out and talk. What would we say to each other?

Me (now): hey, what's up?

Me (then): oh, just wanted to see how things turn out.

Me (now): that's not allowed, you know.

Me (then): can't you just give me a hint?

Me (now): nope. but will you please stop pursing your lips? there's this wrinkle starting that you won't notice until it's too late...

There's even a picture of me from two months ago, on vacation, that gives me pause. I am not that person anymore either; I've been changed in a fundamental way that grew another ring around my core in record time. Can I see the beauty in the growing, no matter how it came about? Can I value the storm for the way it makes me dig in deeper with my roots? Can I lift my hands to God in praise for both the rain and the sun, and trust Him to be the ultimate Arborist?

I can. I can because years ago He etched His name and mine on the surface of this sapling and drew a heart around it. No matter how the wind may blow, it remains.

Comments

[Kate]

It's always enjoyable to read a post again and to reflect upon the message from a new perspective... it's like coming across a letter you haven't read in a long time and realizing you missed something the first time you read it!

Thanks for sharing this one again! I'm sorry you're so tired & hope you are feeling better soon. :)

[Laurin]

I am newer to your blog, and so this post was new to me; thank you for posting it! You penetrate my heart with your words. I am praying for you...Laurin

[Mrs. Troop]

Thanks for sharing that. That was before I made it here, so I enjoyed it. And related to it.
I pray that I never stop growing and changing and realizing how much my Heavenly Father loves me.
There are things I like about who I used to be (not so tired, for one. And thinner. I miss that.), but also things I see were awful, that only coming to the end of myself and my own abilities changed.

[PJ]

Thank you so much for this post. It was very meaningful to me. It helps me to evaluate my journey and try harder to reach higher.

[Joanne]

With food, I'm not a big fan of eating leftovers. But this was delightful the second time around. In fact, I often can't remember what I ate the day before. So it is new to me.

[Robin]

You are such a gifted writer! I really took this to heart. Thanks for sharing it!!!

[Sarah the secret blower]

soooo good!

[Kathryn]

Oh, Jenni, this is so beautiful.. I think I do remember reading it before (geesh, have I been reading you that long already??) but I have a totally new perspective now.. thank you.

[Angela]

Very beautiful introspection :)

[Mollien Koenig (Mom)]

I enjoyed this again (yes, I actually remember reading it!) It struck me that what I enjoy so much about you as a daughter and a friend is that you allow yourself to think deeply about life and about yourself. So many are just flailing about on the surface, almost drowning. But you dive deeply and it enriches me (and apparently, others). Hey, maybe this has something to do with your love of the ocean!

[Misty]

I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now, and I just wanted to tell you I enjoy it so much. You are such an excellent writer. Your words and your ability to say things so truthfully and beautifully at the same time continue to captivate me.

[Minnesotamom]

With re-runs like that, you make it hard to miss any new episodes! Quality stuff, I tell ya.

[Jessie]

WOW!!! Love this post!! Oh how I am that women !! Yet so thankful for my savior and all he has changed in me and how blessed I am.

Jessie